A letter to ladies who ask for more romance from their husbands

In July I will have been married for fifteen years. There aren’t many things that television shows and movies get correct about normal life, but one thing that they do tend to accurately portray is the idea that as time passes in a committed relationship, romance seems to go away. How often have you heard married women talk about how they wish that their husbands were as romantic as they were earlier in their relationship? I’m sure that my wife says the same thing. I feel that I need to help deal with this problem. However, I am not writing this to tell the husbands to take more opportunities to be more romantic towards their wives (although they should). I am writing to explain to some of the wives out there how often your husbands show you how much they care without you ever knowing it, much less acknowledging their efforts. I don’t claim to be an expert on male psychology. I tend to be more of an observer than a participant when it comes to many of the male-bonding rituals. What I have observed leads me to a conclusion about myself as well as other men: we rarely show our true selves. Men worry about our reputations a lot more than we will ever let on. You can’t show weakness in front of the other guys. Aggression is applauded. Meekness is degraded. There are a million things that a typical guy can do in a minute that can impact his reputation, both with other guys as well as with women. It might be his choice of vocabulary. It might be how he answers a question or if he chooses to answer at all. It might be his posture. It might be if he smiles and how. I don’t know if it is all social conditioning or a natural aspect of male psychology, but men have a lot of difficulty trusting someone so completely that they always show their true selves. (No, I’m not saying that every man secretly cries a lot and always wants to watch rom-coms. That only happens in the movies.) Once a man finds that level of trust in someone, it is a very big deal.

I understand that ladies want a romantic candlelight dinner and a night out on the town. That’s perfectly legitimate to expect and even demand. However, if you want to know how truly romantic your relationship is, just look at a typical day around your loved one. Look for the times when he relaxes around you. Maybe he holds your hand or puts his arm around you. Maybe he gives you a kiss on the forehead. Maybe he volunteers to tuck the kids in. Maybe he cut the time he was spending with his friends short so that he could get home. Sure, he may make jokes with his friends about “the old ball-and-chain,” but maybe he’s coming home early because he wants to be with you. Even if it seems like a lot of the things that he does are out of a sense of obligation, he may be doing them because he wants to. He may trust you enough to be showing who he really is.

In July I will have been married for fifteen years. I’m sure that there are times that my wife has wondered what has happened to the romance. She’s right to ask for more outward displays from me, and it would be appropriate for me to accommodate her. Still, I hope that every day she might look at the things that I do and realize that I trust her with seeing my true self. Each one of those acts that shows that I am relaxed around her is another time that I am showing her how much I love her, and how much I appreciate her for accepting me for who I am.

Featured image via candles.lovetoknow.com

Are our hobbies a little...crazy?

With all due respect to all of my fellow players, airsoft has to be one of the craziest hobbies ever created by humankind. For the uninitiated, airsoft is where a bunch of people (usually guys, although my wife enjoys it) get together with fake guns that they paid way too much for, wear uncomfortable gear including goggles that are impossible to prevent from fogging up, and shoot plastic pellets at 400 feet per second at each other. Oh, yeah, and we usually pay for the privilege of getting the whelps and injuries resulting from this past time. I played my first airsoft game a couple of years ago along with my wife, introduced my friend to it, and recently introduced my son to it. By all indications, I must be crazy, right? Of course, when you look at almost anything that someone does for a hobby, it never really makes sense. One of the most common types of hobby is to collect something. The types of things that people collect can be staggering. Yes, you have your more traditional collectibles like stamps, coins, baseball cards, and porcelain dolls. However, people end up collecting anything and everything. Remember beanie babies? I've known people who collect cast iron cookware, patches, shoes, toys, and pressed pennies. I even used to collect camouflage jackets from around the world. The unusual thing about all of this is that, with the exception of my jackets, most people collect things that they never have any intention of using. Sure, they may try to tell you that they are collecting it because it may be worth something some day, but don't hold your breath waiting for them to sell it. The impracticality of it all is enormous.

I found myself asking recently why we have so many hobbies that make no sense. I bristled at the very question I was asking at first because one of my other hobbies is writing, and I like to think that it makes perfect sense. Then I realized that, as a hobby, it might not. I don't plan on making a living writing. Honestly, I don't know if I will make any real money writing. I am fortunate that I am getting the opportunity to try, but I had written a lot of short stories before then, and they were only seen by a small number of people. Why put so much time and effort into something that yields very little that is practical? I looked back at some of the things that I had written and found my answer. Much of what I wrote consisted of things that I either wished that I could do or that was completely opposite of anything I would or could ever do. I was living out another life in my mind and putting it onto paper. A little bit crazy, right? And that is why it works.

Every hobby that humans take part in tend to be impractical, somewhat pointless, and a little wacky. That is exactly why we do them. Everyday life is one heck of a challenge. We are constantly bombarded with new difficulties and problems and good news and bad news and so on. Hobbies give us an opportunity to step away from reality for a brief time. We give ourselves what educators refer to as a brain break. We need it. Honestly, we deserve it. So whatever your hobby, don't worry if no one else understands it. It is your excuse to get a little bit crazy on a regular basis.

Now I have to work on putting together a new set of gear to go with some new airsoft equipment I purchased. It'll look cool. Don't judge me!